There are two conventional theories on what constitutes your MBTI’s “opposite” personality type. I’ll give a brief rundown on both, as well as advice on how to better engage with those with different cognitive function preferences than you.
(Note: Do not take these theories to heart, or limit the potential of friendships with those who have “opposite” types…If they are well-developed, it really doesn’t matter what they’re preferences are at that point, because they are still able to connect with you well with their lower functions).
1. It’s Inverse Day!
Put simply, this theory suggests that your “opposite” MBTI type would be someone who has the opposite letters of your type. e.g. An ESFP would be “opposites” with INTJs. This is actually somewhat intriguing, because the personality type with opposite letters shares the exact same cognitive functions with you, except in reverse order.
Example:
Pretty weird, eh?
I’ve seen relationships and friendships in which the two parties involved are inverses, and yes, it definitely can work out, as they understand each other’s thought processes. It’s just that their priorities tend to be rather different at times.
2. Who Are You?
This theory suggests that your real “opposite” is the MBTI type who shares none of your cognitive functions, and their preferences would also be in the opposite order. e.g. An INFP would be opposites with ISTPs. Not only do these types have their core N, S, T, F functions in opposite order, but they are also in opposite directions (E/I). This makes it to hard to understand your opposite’s thought process AND priorities.
Example:
Essentially, the pattern for this theory is that your “opposite” is whoever shares similar first and last letters, but different middle letters (think same outsides versus different fillings, like mint versus regular oreos…).
Usually the differences in your opposite type are intriguing enough for you to be drawn into friendship with them, but it may be harder to understand where they’re coming from if both parties have not yet developed their lower functions well.
So now that you know which types are “opposite” from yours, the question remains…how does one connect with these very different creatures?
1. Appeal to their dominant function
I once asked my friend Melody (MBTI guru) which “opposite” party should reach out first if there are difficulties connecting. Should it be the extravert? The one with extraverted feeling (Fe)? She told me the responsibility lies in the hands of those equipped with the knowledge of MBTI, because with this knowledge, you would be able to figure out their dominant function, anyway.
Since everyone has four cognitive functions, how can you tell which is their dominant one? The answer is, it depends on the person–if they are well-developed, it may be initially hard to tell! However, each dominant cognitive function certainly has manifests in distinct ways on the exterior, and getting a “feel” for each function comes faster with practice. Try to see which function best constitutes the person’s core, which function effortlessly oozes out of them. For example, introverted sensing is characterized by a calm and principled demeanor, one that is unruffled by conflict and seems rooted in defined values. Extraverted intuition is characterized by gaining excitement from connecting different ideas to each other, being rather indecisive, and appearing to have a somewhat scattered thought process.
When you’ve figured out what the person’s dominant function is, you can appeal to that function by either 1) Imitating it yourself in thought process/exterior appearance or 2) Imitating the function in the opposite direction (e.g. if the person leads with Introverted Feeling, try imitating Extraverted Feeling). The first strategy works because people enjoy associating with people similar to themselves (we are a narcissistic species). The second strategy works because we are supposedly also attracted to people who lead with the same dominant function, but in the opposite direction (according to compatibility theories). Overall, I’ve found this strategy to be quite useful in interacting with my mom, TAs, acquaintances…essentially, whoever I don’t initially click with. It certainly works wonders!
2. Strengthen or Imitate Extraverted Feeling (Fe)
If Extraverted Feeling (Fe) happens to be your dominant function, then this is perfect! For the majority of us who don’t lead with Fe, it may a function worth investing in. Fe is characterized by being in tune with the emotions of those around you (versus your own, which would be Fi), meaning that people often feel the most comfortable and welcomed by those with strong Fe. Lauded as the most charming function by many, you can develop your Fe to use it to your advantage in associating with people of your “opposite” type.
Everyone actually utilizes all 8 cognitive functions; it is just that the first four are used much more consciously and frequently. This means that all of us have Extraverted Feeling–the ability to feel what others are feeling, an acute concern for group dynamic, a liveliness in making the other person feel welcome. I don’t mean to glorify Fe (I have Fi, after all), but using it properly is a foolproof method of better interacting with all sorts of folks around you. People want to feel cared for and understood, and that is precisely what Fe is all about.
To strengthen Fe, observe the ENFJs/ESFJs/INFJs/ISFJs around you and copy their responses when you face similar social situations! Notice how they signal that they’re listening, how they respond to others, how they use body language. It will take effort, intentionality, and practice, but once you have Fe readily accessible in your toolbox, you’ll be set for many, many social interactions to come.
3. Follow Dale Carnegie’s Footsteps
How to Win Friends and Influence People has been a hallmark for teaching one the ins and outs of social situations for 314159265358979 years. Apparently, all people just inherently love themselves, so the advice for petting those egos is pretty simple:
- Remember their names
- Kill ’em with a smile
- Genuinely listen to their stories and respond with good questions
This ties back to the spiel on Extraverted Feeling–Carnegie’s advice certainly gives some rudimentary practicals for implementing Fe in yo’ everyday life. Again, mastering these tips will take time (I have yet to come close #chatterboxlife), but they will certainly be worth the effort.
Hope you enjoyed this friggin’ long blog post on MBTI opposites. Best of luck, all you fighters out there. Opposites can be a tough crowd…
so we eat on... 